Football is not Phone Sex

During a Europa League game against Athletico Bilbao, Schalke fans unveiled a banner. The banner read 'Football no es sexo telefonico' and was in protest of Bilbao's ticket prices. Translated, this means 'Football is not phone sex. They're right. It isn't. It is however very similar. In England, with Alan Sugar's "blow them out of the water" dramatics, football was changed forever. I'm not old enough to remember Old Testament football which is probably the reason I don't buy into the rose tinted version I hear about from anybody who'll take the time to bang on about it. For every tale of rattle twirling, terrace camaraderie I hear, there's a video clip of some angry young men throwing punches and rocks. The muddy pitches in every FA Cup montage that ITV stuff down your face look terrible. Rose tinted the past may be, but no flower could grow in the swamps of the old First Division. Modern football has been plucked, waxed and spray tanned to within an inch of it's life. Much like phone sex, the girl in the advert is never the one you end up talking to.

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We

You may not know this but there's a scale against which all football fans are measured. The scale runs from Football Weekly on the left to Football Factory on the right. Fans on the far left will watch football matches with a notepad in hand, making notes for their tedious tactics blogs. Those who swing to the right will watch games with a house brick in hand for fighting and that. In recent months the world has had to bear witness to despicable acts of racism and hate committed by people claiming to be football fans. Not all football fans are mindless idiots but wherever they sit on the scale, they are all guilty of the same unforgivable crime: using the word we when referring to their favourite football club.

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What Fergie Did Next

Euro 2000 had been nothing short of terrible for England. After admitting that he wasn't the man for the job, Kevin Keegan resigned. So many times in history there has been 'only one man' for the top job in English football. This time there were two. One was Sven-Göran Eriksson and the other was Nottingham Forest's Alex Ferguson. The initial approach made by the FA was turned down but they did not give up easy. By their own admission, the FA had already missed out on one legendary Forest manager in his prime, and they weren't prepared to let the opportunity pass them by a second time. His Forest side was in need of rebuilding and several aging stars needed to be replaced. However, the Forest board made it clear that they wouldn't stand in his way if he wanted to go. Ferguson spoke with both Clough and friend Sir Bobby Robson about the job and after much deliberation he accepted. Forest wasted no time in appointing Ferguson's assistant Steve McClaren as their new manager. This proved to be a masterstroke by the Forest board as McClaren under the guidance of Clough and Ferguson rebuilt the Nottingham Forest team and within three years they had won two league titles and reached another Champions League final.

Ferguson's last international job was taking over from the late, great Jock Stein as Scotland manager for the 1986 World Cup. On that occasion Scotland would fail to get out of the group stages but Ferguson reminded the press that he had more experience this time around. There was outrage in Scotland where his fellow countryman felt Ferguson had turned his back on his nationality. The reception in England wasn't much better as the appointment of a foreign manager wasn't easy for some fans to accept. Despite this criticism, Ferguson had an immediate impact on an England team badly in need of a boost. England's qualification campaign for the 2002 World Cup hadn't going well but a 1-0 victory over old rivals Germany and a comfortable 3-0 win over Greece meant England had ensured themselves a spot in the groups for Japan and Korea.

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Sir Alex Ferguson - The Nottingham Forest Years

What started out as a look back at Sir Alex Ferguson's 25 years at Manchester United quickly became a 'What If' article. There's been a lot of alternate history blogs about lately and Liquid Football isn't one to miss out on a bandwagon. In 1990, Manchester United left back Lee Martin scored this goal against Crystal Palace in the FA Cup Final replay. It would be a springboard for the great mans career at United. Prior to this Ferguson had been less than popular with the United faithful and some had called for him to be sacked. The cup win set the tone for the rest of Ferguson's reign as United went from strength to strength. But, what if the Left Back hadn't scored that fateful day? What would have become of Sir Alex Ferguson?

If you asked most people what the turning point in modern football was, most would answer "the 1990 FA Cup final". The first leg of the 1990 FA Cup final had ended Crystal Palace 3, Manchester United 3. The replay five days later would be the downfall of Ferguson at Manchester United. The Red Devils had failed to make any headway in the League since Ferguson took the reigns in 1986 and in 1990 they recorded their lowest finish since they were promoted back to the top flight in 1975, finishing 13th, just five points above the relegation zone. For the replay Ferguson made a decision that is now widely regarded as the worst in the history of football. Regular goalkeeper Jim Leighton was replaced with Les Sealey. Initially Sealey started well making some fine saves and it looked like United would take the lead through another defensive player. In the 59th minute of the game Neil Webb hit the ball out to the left and into the path of left back Lee Martin. Martin made a 40-50 yard run and found himself through on goal. However, the attack broke down as Palace midfielder Andy Gray put just enough pressure to force Martin to lift the shot over the bar.

Palace responded immediately through the resulting goal kick. Nigel Martyn belted the ball up field and it landed in front of Mark Bright who took a touch and slotted the ball easily past Sealey. The goal stunned the Manchester United players and they could do nothing but limp pitifully to the end of the game. Ian Wright who had been come on as a substitute in the 64th minute added two more goals. Les Sealey had lost confidence and the United back four had lost confidence in him. To this day a terrible goalkeeping display is known as 'doing a Sealey'. The game finished 3-0 and Ferguson and his team could only look on as Geoff Thomas lifted the FA Cup for Crystal Palace. The following day it was announced that Ferguson had been sacked.

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Crouchy

You know that football player that you hate? You know the one, he's overated, overpaid and overplayed. If you are me (and I am) then that player is Peter Crouch. Crouchy as he is known to thick people and football players (who are often one and the same) represents everything that's wrong with the modern game. How he keeps getting signed by football clubs, often playing in European competitions, is beyond me. With his recent goal against Manchester United for Stoke City, Peter Crouch has joined the ranks of players who have scored for six different Premier League clubs, a list that includes Andy Cole and Sir Les Ferdinand.

As the previous statistic suggests, Crouchy has got undressed next to more footballers than Katie Price. After spending three years of his childhood in Singapore, the lanky Centre Forward played for Tottenham Hotspur's youth team before signing a professional contract with the London club. In 2000 he spent time on loan with Dulwich Hamlet and Swedish club IFK Hässleholm. He made a total of fourteen appearances for both clubs and scored four goals. Tottenham understandably didn't like the look of Crouch and flogged the beanpole to QPR who themselves later had to sell him on to raise funds. Portsmouth were impressed enough by Crouch to pay £1.25 million for him and this is where I begin to seethe with rage; whilst at Fratton Park Crouch was incredibly fortunate to play with the legendary Robert Prosinečki who supplied Crouchy with pinpoint assists to help the undeserving giant rack up eighteen, probably awkward looking, league goals.

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